Monday, December 20, 2010

Fine, I will deal. But that doesn't mean I will like it.

Oh goodness where to begin.  The date went amazing, but it was destined to fail and so it did.  Not really sure why.  We both seemed to have a really good time, he stayed for most of the weekend. He called a few times after the date and things seemed great, but then the calls just stopped and that was it.  Oh well.  I'm starting to figure out I'm not ready for a relationship anways.  You can only ignore what you are trying not to deal with for so long before it gets the best of you and forces you to acknowledge it.  Everyone always says you have to learn how to be by yourself before you can be with someone else and I have always that was shit, but unfortunately I now see that it may be true.  So, here it goes.  I am going to learn to be by myself but I am not liking it so far and I know it will only get worse.  Bring it.  What do I have to lose really? 

Being left at the alter sucked, and rather than deal with it I went on a search for a band aid to make it all better, a quick fix if you will.  Friends, those do not exist.  Eventually you will have to deal, it was only a matter of time before I figured this out.  For the past couple weeks I have been a mess, overwhelmed with emotions that I have been ignoring for months and I was very negative about everything in my life.  This week I have been trying to turn that around and be more positive and see this as an exciting journey rather than a depressing one.  It's working today but there are no promises for tomorrow. 

What's amazing to me is how quickly life can change.  Within 30 minutes my entire life was turned upside down and everything I thought I knew was wrong.  But there is something else that is amazing:  how quickly we as humans can adapt and pick ourselves back up.  If you would have told me 6 months ago what was going to happen I would have been terrified of how I was going to make it through it, but here I am.  I made it.  It hasn't been easy by any means, but I am confident now that I can handle whatever is next and I am ready to embrace the challenges in life.  At least today I am ready.  It's a process and varies from day to day but what is certain is that whatever happens I will be ok eventually.  All you can do to get by in life is whatever it takes. 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Destined to fail...but I can't help myself!

So...the nice guy?  Turns out to be pretty much perfect from what I have learned thus far.  He hates country music, loves dessert, loves Christmas, was a psyc major, plays guitar, SINGS, and do I need to go on?  He's basically the male version of me...minus the musical talent, I have absolutely  none of that.  Still have not met him, but the pictures I have seen lead me to believe he is also attractive.  We will have our first date on Satuday, when he comes to take me out for my birthday.  I'm seriously concerned.  He's so nice and perfect there's no way I won't fall for him, and I know that it is destined to fail.  He lives two hours away and we are both hurting in the finance area and there is the small detail that I usually get screwed over in relationships.  But did I mention he sings?  Ah, fuck it.  I know I'm too quick to put my heart out there but I would rather take a chance and put myself out there than to be alone forever.  Remind me I said this when I am pissed and crushed in a couple weeks. 

He says he's not into games or flings, and niether am I.  This is what freaks me out.  We are either going to get into someting serious or break it off fairly early.  So I will either be heart broken in the long run or in the near future.  Hmmm...I think I will ride out the excitement of the possibility of a relationship as long as I can.  This could be an awkward first date.  We have never met, only talked on the phone almost every day for about two weeks.  Hopefully neither one of us is disappointed in person...oh boy this could be disastrous.  I'm sure I will have great details to report after Saturday. 

If I had any common sense I would get out now before it gets too serious but...did I mention he sings?  Ahhh!  This may be what it takes for now and then I will be back at square one.  I'm takin what I can get for the moment and I'll worry about the rest later. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A nice guy? What is that?

Ok, so in my previous post I mentioned a guy that I had started chatting with via email.  Well, I added this guy on Facebook, I new of him because he is my boss's brother...yeah.  Not sure this is a good idea but what the hell, whatever it takes right?  Anyway, I did not expect anything when I added him.  He sent me a message asking how I liked working for his sister and I politely replied and I figured that would be the end of it.  However, he sends me a message a couple days later apologizing for not being in contact for a few days...totally caught me off guard.  Last guy I had a fling with, (refer to the post about me puking in the bar he worked in) was sporadic and never apologized for being out of touch.  So we have been emailing, getting to know each other, it has been fun but again I didn't expect much else out of it, then he calls me today.  I just don't know what to do with a guy who calls when he says he's going to call and apologizes for not repsonding in a timely manner.  Do such men really exist?  I'm starting to think I have found one of the only ones, which leads me to believe this is going to be the end of me.  He also plays the guitar.  If he sings too I'm throwing my arms up in surrender and throwing myself at him with everything I've got.  Yes, I know that plan is destined to fail but what do I have to lose?  Exactly.  Only my pride and that has been gone for awhile. 

I have never dated a nice guy before, and we aren't dating per say but I don't even know what to do with a nice guy.  I have also mentioned in a previous post that I have the great ability to get excited entirely too early, which usually leaves me incredibly disappointed but I never learn.  Now that I do know such men exist, I am slightly more hopeful for the remainder of my life.  This could be trouble, only time will tell.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The male species can suck its own dick.

Dear Male Species,

You suck and I hate you.  This is due to multiple reasons.  One:  because you "don't know what you want" and can "just want to have fun" for the rest of your pathetic LIVES and be perfectly content.  Two:  even when a girl decides to "not care anymore" we do.  Even if we don't want to be with you we want to be in control and tell YOU that it's over.  Not the other way around, boys, no no no.  We want to call the shots but that never happens because of reason three of why I hate you:  you are always the one calling the shots because we are so easily caught up in you, we don't even realize it until it is too late.  If all of this is true, then why do we keep coming back to you?  I'll tell you why, it's called reason 4:  you have the ability to change our minds just when we decide that you all suck, but you always have to wait until we get to that point first.  Screw you guys. 

And why do I only attract males of one age group that are all from the same city which is located two hours away from where I live?  Seriously, this is the third guy of the same age from the same damn city that has expressed interest in me.  What. the. fuck.  So obviously I have a new male friend that has made me not quite give up on the male species right when I was ready to say fuck you and be done with all of you.  Right now we are just getting to know each other through emails...but he seems really nice and I have the amazing ability to get excited about things within seconds.  I told myself this would just be a fun thing and I wouldn't get excited about it but....shit, too late.  This means I am about to get disappointed and pissed. 

That my friends, is why the male species can suck its own dick, even though if they could they wouldn't need us and would be perfectly content by themselves.  I think that is reason FIVE. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Thanks...Mom...

I don't know why but my mother, though I love her to the moon and back, has a way of making comments that make me want to slit my wrists.  Like tongiht.  She calls, asks what I'm doing.  "I'm watching Glee."  Which I'm totally in to and did not want to be distracted but I love my mother so I answered my phone.  She replies, "Oh.  By yourself?"  Me:  "Yup.  Just me."  Her:  "Oh ok I just thought maybe you had company."  No company mom, and until this moment I wasn't feeling bad about it but now that you mention it, yeah I am a loser.  She has also made comments like..."So what's going on with your hair today?"  Well, nothing is going on with it because I decided not to do a thing to it becuase I figured my family wouldn't care what my hair looked like.  Oh how I love you mother, you do keep things interesting for sure. 

Today just is one of those days that feels like a really awful Monday.  I'm tired and do not want to participate in life today.  I'm thinking the reason is that I really over did it this weekend....and by over did it I mean there is a bar that I can never go back to because I christened it by puking in the middle of the bar.  Did I mention that the guy I was interested in was bar tending at said bar?  Yeah.  Perfect, I'm sure he's very impressed.  The next morning I woke up to a text from a number that I did not know that says, "I think ur sooo cute but I'm worried about you, did you make it home ok?"  First thought:  who the fuck is this?  Second thought:  what did I do to seriously concern a stranger?  Third thought:  who did I give my number to?  Here is the icing on the cake though people...I went out with my BOSS that night and stayed at her house.  That's not awkward at all when your boss watches you drink entirely too much and puke in public.  Good thing she's awesome and was nice about it.  But this all comes down to one thing:  I have an excellent excuse for behaving this way.  Yes, I was left at the alter which gives me at least a year to grieve and puke in public and give random guys my number.  I'm fully taking advantage of my year pass to be a completely irresponsible 23 year old.  Suck it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I give up on you people....

I'm not sure what happend to make everyone think that being on time for a meeting is optional...but to those of you who are confused, it is NOT optional.  I'm not going to pretend that I've never been late but I do make a serious effort to be on time if I am meeting someone.  And is it too much to ask that if you are going to be late that you send a text/email/phone call in my direction?  Lately everyone I am supposed to meet with is late.  We are not just talking about a few minutes late, we are talking 15 to 20 minutes late if not more.  Once you pass the 15 minute mark I start to get pissed, real pissed.  I have better things to do than to wait for you to show up if you even decide to show up.  Don't worry guys, I didn't drive an hour to meet you or anything, feel free to take your time, it's not like I have other meetings today either.  I feel like if I can be on time after being left at the altar, you can be on time too.  I don't care if that makes no sense, I feel it is applicable anyways.

Also, if I talk to you about something in person, send you multiple emails about it and then call you to make sure you understand, the last thing you should say to me is, "Oh, really?  I didn't know that, that is important."  Yes, very important which is why I communicated it to you via three forms of communication...but obviously you still didn't listen.  All you can really say in this situation is wow.  I must be speaking in a different language that inhibits your understanding of the very important message I have been trying to beat into you for the past month. 

I give up. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Best diet ever, guarenteed 10 pounds gone in a week!

That's right ladies, 10 pounds in one week!  The secret...getting left at the altar.  I can hear the diappointment as you all realize what you must also go through for that precious 10 pounds.  The worst part about it is, you won't lose it from where you want to, you will lose it from your boobs.  That's what was first to go for me.  Dammit.  How am I supposed to enter the dating scene after I have lost my most precious asset?  Come on...can I catch a break here?  Not to mention I did not have room to lose weight.  I have been under 100 pounds my whole life, which I am blessed for but this also means that when I lose weight, even 5 pounds, it's noticeable.  So thank you ex-fiance because I had fallen off the wagon a little bit this Summer, but thanks to you I am right back where I started with some room to spare. 

I suppose I should wrap this lunch break up and go back to work but after a conference call with 10 women who insisted on all speaking at once...I need just a little longer.  I work with all women, which is wierd but a lot of fun.  However, it can be very stressful, especially when over half are menopausal.  I never realized how much we insist on talking over each other until today.  I am going to make it a point to not do it anymore after listening to it for two hours and wanting to jab my eyes out since I could not hear what was going on anyways.  Women are also easily side tracked.  I don't care how you wash your polos ladies, just tell me what our budget is and how it affects me and my campaign, I will learn how to wash polos on my own time.  Ugh.  And I don't care where the staff outing is, I will be there just send me an email with what you all decide since the only thing anyone can agree on is that there should be alcohol involved. 

Ok, fine, I'll get back to work.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I suck at dating...

I have decided that dating sucks and that I suck at dating.   After being out of the game for four years it takes awhile to get back into it...and I do not have the patience for it.  Either you like me or you don't, let's skip the games.  And the phone call game, that's the worst.  He called me last time so I guess it's my turn but you don't want to be too clingy but you don't want to miss out on an opportunity and you don't know if he's waiting for you to call or if he could care less.  Really guys?  Can we just establish the we like each other or we don't so I don't spend my time trying to figure it out?  Oh yeah and by the way....I was left at the alter and I have no tolerence for games and no I am not looking for a one night stand to forget about it, not my style.  Ahhh...can I just fast forward past the dating scene?  I am not a fan at this point.  And yes, it has only been a month since my "wedding" but I can't just sit around and do nothing...I live alone and work from home, I have to get out some how.  Whatever it takes. 

I feel as though the motto needs more of an explaination.  Whatever it takes refers to whatever it takes to survive, be happy for five minutes, or to feel alive.  Today it may take going on a date with someone I have no feelings for, tomorrow it may be eating ice cream for dinner, but I have decided that it is finally time for me to be selfish.  I have never focused on myself and what I need, it has always been me worrying about what is going to make others happy, but I need to be happy too.  So, I am vowing to myself to do whatever it takes for me to be happy....whatever it takes.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Left at the alter...

So to fully understand future posts I feel it is necessary to go over what exactly happened to me in the past month.  On September 4th of this year I was left at the alter.  It was not expected, I was lined up with my father and bridesmaids ready to walk down the aisle when he came to me and broke the news.  It was quite the dramatic event.  People screaming, crying, and running to keep my father and family members from enforcing any sort of physical pain to my ex-fiance.  As for the reason he called it off...."My whole heart just isn't in.  I just don't think we have enough in common."  Awesome, it took you four years, two of which we were engaged to figure out we did not have enough in common.  The decorations and the weather that day were perfect by the way.  As was everything about that day until that moment. 

The next day as I went to the house we picked out together to pack my things I was a mess.  However, when I got there and his parents had all of my stuff sitting on the driveway I realized it was possible to feel even worse than I already did.  Needless to say his parents never like me nor my family for no apparent reason.  His father was there along with his best man and his family.  The best man and his family were great, and it would have been much worse without them there, they were very supportive of me and I will be forever greatful for that.

I have come to realize that what happened is a good thing because there were many things wrong with our relationship that I had been ignoring, but that doesn't mean that this is easy in any way.  I can't help but feel a sense of rejection and betrayl.  I am still trying to figure out how you can go from seeing someone everyday for four years to being ok with  never seeing them again, because I have not seen him since our wedding day.  Just for the record, he thinks none of this is his fault, not sure how it is not his fault but whatever.  I'm not unhappy that he called it off, if he had doubts then I wouldn't want him to go through with it, I am upset about how he did and how long he waited.

So up until this week I had been living with my parents bascially out of their garage.  I have now moved into my own apartment and have begun a new life.  Thankfully I have a job that allowed me to work from home that I love.  My new life so far has been interesting.  I feel as though some of this has got to be entertaining to someone so I decided to share my adventures via this blog.  Dark humor will be included because as of right now that gets me through the day.  Enjoy.