Monday, September 12, 2011

Liberation Celebration

Hello again blog!  It has been waaaay too long!  But this is a special occasion.  On September 4th one year ago the dreaded "not wedding" occurred.  I have decided that this particular date in history will now serve as the "4th of July" of my life.  I spent that weekend having a Liberation Celebration and it was awesome. 

As I look back to reflect on my life one year ago, I have to say that I am impressed with myself.  Let's just go over what I have done in the past year:

Moved 6 times
Switched jobs twice
Almost got married
Was a bridesmaid
Bought a car
Became a coach
Learned how to stand on my own feet
Went to Texas
Went to Washington DC
Have had 2 flings just for fun :)
Puked in the middle of a bar
Had my boss drive me home intoxicated 4 times
Realized how lucky I am for the friends I have
Laughed and cried more than I can ever remember doing either
Experienced body shots for the first time
Partied more than I ever did in college
Ran into the glass door at the gym
Dated a bad boy and thoroughly enjoyed and hated it at the same time
Started a blog
Ran a 12.4 mile race

I look at that list and realize there are both positive and negative things on it, but for the most part I am happier than I ever have been and have come farther in one year than I ever thought possible.  So instead of feeling sad on that day I felt liberated and thankful.  I've grown as a person from each and every one of those experiences and I am content with being just me.  I call that a success.  Happy 4th of July to me! :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Patience is a virtue. I don't have it.

I've really been dropping the ball on this blog lately.  But here is the latest that is going through my head at this point:  I have no patience.  I want the perfect job, the perfect guy, the perfect car, and I want it all NOW.  I don't want to wait.  Waiting sucks.  And it's frustrating to want all of the these things and know that it might be a long time before I actually even come close to getting them. 

But I will wait.  Because I have no choice but to do just that. 

This is short and sweet but that is my latest frustration.  And I'm not even patient enough to write a decent post right now.  Fail.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dating in your 20's sucks. Period.

It has been awhile since I have written...the crazyness of life got to me a bit.  So here's where I'm at:  still "seeing" this bad boy.  No titles.  Nothing consistent.  Pretty much we hang out or talk every few weeks or so and that's about it.  But here's the kicker:  last week was his birthday.  I send a happy birthday text just to be nice since we hadn't talked in a few weeks.  I didn't expect a call or anything, but he did call.  We caught up for awhile and I said that I would take him out for dinner for his birthday whenever he wanted, and here's how he responds:  "Well, what are you doing Thursday?  My family is taking me out to dinner, you should come."  I was pretty caught off guard, I mean in my opinion meeting the parents is a big deal and I am no where near ready to introduce him to mine.  If that doesn't send a mixed signal I don't know what does.  We aren't anything serious but you want to take me to a family gathering?  Hmm.  I'm confused.  But, alas, I went.

His sister, my former boss, had a look of complete shock on her face when I walked up with him so I'm guessing she had no idea I was coming.  Nice.  Way to make things even more awkward.  Other than that it was pretty painless and his parents are very nice but the whole thing just made me really confused.  When we talked about where we were at awhile ago, we both agreed that we were more than friends but still just getting to know each other despite our never lacking physical attraction to each other.  I was fine with that.  However, you cannot tell me that and then introduce me to your parents and do "couple like" things with me.  It's confusing and I cannot keep myself emotionally detached forever when things like this happen. 

This is a short and lame post but it's all I've got for now.  Apparently I cannot attract men who want to be in actual relationships.  Nice.  That is going to make things a lot of fun.  And he's seven years older than are you even less ready to commit than I am?  Makes no sense to me. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


So lately I have been thinking about whether I am ready for my first serious relationship after the epic "not wedding" chapter of my life.  The "bad boy" I have or seeing or talking to...whatever we are doing, seems to be going well but I have noticed a few things.  First, I have some serious defense mechanisms in full force that I did not even realize were activated.  I have a hard time really being myself around this guy because once I do that, I feel like that makes me vulnerable.  I have really tried to turn this off and just relax but I haven't been able to do it.  Well, sober anyways.  Ha.  I think I can eventually fix this, but he's going to have to be really patient with me so that I can really begin to trust him and I'm not sure if that is something he is going to want to do.  He's a super nice guy but I know that is a lot to ask of someone and I'm sure it will be frustrating at times for him. 

Second, I did not realize how much freedom I have gained now that I am single.  Seriously, it has been years since I have been able to eat what and when I want for dinner, watch MY shows on TV, sleep in without someone to make me feel guilty about it, go for a run without a care in the world, and go visit family and friends without discussing it with someone.  Holy effing crap.  These are sweet luxuries that I didn't even know I was missing out on until now.  Would I give this all up for the right guy?  Yes and no.  Yes, I would make sacrifices for the right person but no I would not give up all of my freedom like I did before, I think there is a happy medium even when you are in a relationship.  The real question is:  am I ready for this now and is the guy I want to start making sacrifices for?

I have no idea what the answer is because there are things that are unclear to me on his end.  We get along great when we are together on weekends, but we don't talk much during the week.  Maybe that is normal in early stages of a relationship, hell if I know.  I can't tell if he is willing to make a serious commitment or not either.  He's turning 30 in the next couple months and I'm 23.  This doesn't bother me but I feel like despite me being quite a bit younger I'm looking for more of a serious commitment than he is.  I hate trying to figure this shit out.  I know all you can do is relax and see how things end up but I have never been good at that.  I want to feel secure and know exactly where I stand with someone and the reason for this is I don't want to let my guard down unless I know he willing to give this a serious effort.  I'm terrified of rejection after experiencing the most ultimate form of rejection I can think of.  There is no way to be sure it is going to work out, and eventually I am going to have to take a chance and go for it whether it is with this guy or the next one...but that is just seeming pretty scary at this point. 

Such is life I suppose.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Why are there no Spring Breaks in the adult world?

So...I'm so sick of seeing every one's facebook statuses about how they are going to all these great places for Spring Break where the sun is shining and there are margaritas falling from the sky.  I'm glad you can all enjoy yourselves while those of us in the adult world will continue to go to work everyday as usual.  Not only am I going to work as usual, but I am in Minnesota for work this week where it is a good 10 degrees colder than it is at home.  What. the. fuck.  And there are definitely not margaritas falling from the sky.  Rather, there are rain drops and snow flakes falling from the sky.  I'm glad my first spring break in the adult world is this freaking awesome.  And by the way, where are all of you guys getting the money to go on all these trips while you are still in college?  I must have missed out on this secret...but seriously, shut up about how drunk you are getting this week and quit posting pictures of beaches that belong on post cards.  It's cruel and unusual punishment to those of us actually have to work for a living.

I truly think spring breaks would contribute the mental health of employees therefore resulting in a more positive, productive atmosphere in the workplace.  Really, when you look at it this way it is a great idea.  Some how I do not think I would be able to convince my boss of the benefits. 

In other news I had a date this weekend :).  I have mixed feelings about it.  It was a lot of fun, and if you go back a post or two this is the guy who plays a guitar and sings that I am a complete sucker for.  I mean honestly, he smells so good I can hardly contain myself, not to mention he's quite nice to look at.  However, he has some really bad habits that I am not a fan of but I don't feel like that should be a deciding factor in whether I am interested or not.  I guess only time will tell, he is definitely different than anyone I have dated in the past, more of a bad boy which I hate to say is really appealing at this point in my life.  I almost married an accountant who was the most stereotypical accountant you can think of.  I need a little spice in my life and I think he can definitely deliver in this area.  We'll see if I can behave promises. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

And the soap opera continues....

I don't know where to even start with this post.  I feel as though I am being tested at this point in my life.  There have been so many things that have happened that make me stop and have to really think to see if that actually did happen to me.  The end realization is always the same:  yes, you did get fucked over in ways that most people only see on the movies.  Awesome.  At this point it doesn't really phase me when new debacles come my way.  I expect drama to the point where if nothing happens for a couple weeks I am bracing myself just waiting for the next episode of my life to unfold.  I'm trying to stay positive with everything in me, but you can only get knocked down so many times before you throw in the towel and say fuck it.  Well, fuck it.  I'm done being hopeful.  I'm done waiting.  I'm ready for something positive to happen in my life to make everything negative worth it.  I seriously feel like I live in a soap opera and I think it's time to cancel the show.  This girl can't handle any more drama. 

And the worst is listening to people bitch about trivial things that I only wish were the least of my worries.  Newsflash:  bitching about good things in your life is fucking annoying.  Stop it.  It makes me want to slap you.  Facebook statuses about how stressed you are about planning a wedding are the worst.  You are getting married, that is supposed to be a happy thing, suck it up and be thankful.  I truly wish there was a "slap" button instead of a "like" button on Facebook.  I think I would use that one more often, a virtual slap would definitely make me feel better since I don't have the balls to slap someone in real life. 

Ok, I'm done for today. 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Help me cure cancer!!!

Hello to anyone who may stop by this blog.  I am running a marathon to help raise money to find a cure for blood cancer.  Please visit my website to see how YOU can help in the fight, why this is so important, and what it means to me.

I greatly appreciate anyone who helps me in supporting this amazing cause and even if you just visit the website, it would mean a lot to me.  Feel free to pass this on to anyone you think would help.  Our work is not done until we find a cure and we need all the support we can get to get there. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I need to buy some fucking band aids...

Lately, I have been stressed beyond belief.  My current job is at a really stressful point in the year, there is a lot of pressure to meet goals and this is not the best time in the economy for a nonprofit to do so.  I was also just offered a new job, which I accepted.  I'm very excited about the new job, but it means moving for the 6th time in the past year.  Holy mother of moving this is going to suck because it's colder than a witch's vagina outside right now.  The job was also a paycut.  Awesome.  The things I do to be happy. 

Annnnyways...I had quite the day today.  Last night I cut my big toe pretty fiercly.  It was bleeding heavily and I'm searching and searching for a band aid only to find out that my ex-fiance has all of the fucking band aids.  I taped paper towels to my toe to attempt to stop the bleeding, which I had to repeat multiple times.  Just another reminder of how much of an ass he is, couldn't even give me some of the band aids.  That was just the start of my bad day.  The next morning I had to get up at 4:30 to be at a news interview for work.  I could not sleep for the life of me and when my alarm went off at 4:30 I felt like it was only to mock me, knowing I never fell asleep, what a bitch.  On my way to the news interview, I spilled water all over my pants.  Great.  I'm going to be on TV and it looks like I pissed my pants.  I'm sure that will be awesome publicity for work.  Luckily it dried faster than I expected and wasn't that bad.  (I also decided I had a crush on the weather man while I waited for my interview :] )  So, I go about my day hoping that was the end of my clumsiness but it was not true.  On my way to my car from a meeting, the cart I was pulling with all of my meeting materials just decided to break in half without warning, sending my box of shit flying all over the side walk.  It was also -20 degrees outside as I scrambled to put all of said shit back in box as people walk and drive by looking sympathetically at me but not stopping to help.  Thanks guys, you making me feel even more pathetic really helps me pick everything up with my icicle fingers.  I finally get home and decide to grill a hot dog on the George for dinner and I'm plugging the grill in but it's not turning on, I keep messing with this for a good five minutes, getting thoroughly upset because I'm starving and it's been a long fricken day, when I finally figure out that the reason it won't turn on is becuase I was plugging in the toaster oven not the grill.  It was at this point that I realized I need a vacation and that I have officially lost my effing mind.

Tomorrow is Friday.  Thank the lord of all that is holy. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dude, why do you even have a blog...

So I have been thinking lately and if someone came across this blog and noticed that there are no followers the question of why I even keep this blog may cross their mind.  Well, this post should clear that right up.  I do not blog for people to follow me, if I acquire followers, great!  If not, ok.  I blog for myself.  I may not be the best writer, in fact I know I am not because I follow some pretty amazing people on here, but that is not the point for me.  My blog is for me.  Whether it is helping me process my own thoughts or helping me to laugh at myself, I do this to cope with the random ass hand life dealt me.  I have also learned a very important lesson as I have gotten older:  if you can laugh at yourself you will be much happier and considering I am incredibly clumsy and often run into a glass door or two (just happened at the gym last week, no joke) it is much easier to laugh it off than to obsess over how packed the gym was when it happened and how hard I would fucking laugh if someone did that while I was watching.  This blog is me laughing at myself via the web.   I have always been one to write when I'm upset, it helps me deal with things but that doesn't mean it interesting or exciting stuff.  It is just what comes out at the time.  So there you have it random passer by, I blog for me and if there are those who want to follow I welcome them but if not I will continue to blog anyways. 

Monday, January 3, 2011

2011 - You owe me, but I won't hold by breath.

Welcome to the new year!  Quite frankly 2010 sucked major ass.  Sure I graduated from college and got a job and that I am thankful for.  But there was a lot of suckiness in between there that I am  more than happy to leave behind and start over.  I love how a simple change of one digit in the year can make you feel like you have a fresh start and the world is at your finger tips again.  I am a pessimist by nature, but even I am excited about the new possibilities that 2011 could hold.  I am also an avid goal setter.  What are my goals for 2011?  Besides becoming famous and winning the lottery, I have decided on a few simple ways to improve my life. 

Number one:  I am going to be healthier in as many aspects as I can.  I have already joined a gym and have really been enjoying it.  I'm done with feeling like a piece of shit, I was a collegiate athlete and laziness should not be in my vocabulary.  I want to become toned and get back to being able to run competitively.  I also need to change my eating habits.  The microwave meals, fast food, and skipping meals thing has got to stop.  Now that I am working out I can tell that I am lacking on a few nutrients and I did not realize how much this was affecting my body until now.  Turns out, your hands should not shake on a daily basis, who knew? 

Number two:  My tendency to rush into things needs to be contained now that I am aware of it.  This includes all aspects of my life.  I have already failed at this with working out, I will do the elliptical for 30 minutes, run on the treadmill for a couple miles and then think oh what the hell and bike for another couple miles.  Terrible idea.  It always ends with me barely being able to walk by the time I get home.  I have realized that this is how I do everything in my life, I rush into it and try to do it all.  This includes relationships, and that is my priority for the new year:  do not rush into relationships.  I need to learn to be patient and not settle for the first thing that comes along and if something great does come along, I need to chill the fuck out and let it happen at it's own pace without me trying to figure out what is going to happen in the next five minutes, five days, or five years.  I know that part of this is my nature and I will not be able to completely get rid of it, but my hope is that I will at least think things through a little more and not be so hasty. 

And that's it.  Two goals, but I believe they are two very important goals that will present many challenges within them.  So, my hope is like that everyone else, that 2011 will bring great things into my life to make up for how much of a mother fucker 2010 was.  Only time will tell if we are all going to tortured for another year or if just maybe there will be a few breaks in the torture cycle to allow a little bit of happiness in.  As long as there are a few bits of sunshine to break up the hurricane of my life, I will be happy.  And for a pessimist, I think that is pretty optimistic :).