Tuesday, March 22, 2011


So lately I have been thinking about whether I am ready for my first serious relationship after the epic "not wedding" chapter of my life.  The "bad boy" I have been...dating or seeing or talking to...whatever we are doing, seems to be going well but I have noticed a few things.  First, I have some serious defense mechanisms in full force that I did not even realize were activated.  I have a hard time really being myself around this guy because once I do that, I feel like that makes me vulnerable.  I have really tried to turn this off and just relax but I haven't been able to do it.  Well, sober anyways.  Ha.  I think I can eventually fix this, but he's going to have to be really patient with me so that I can really begin to trust him and I'm not sure if that is something he is going to want to do.  He's a super nice guy but I know that is a lot to ask of someone and I'm sure it will be frustrating at times for him. 

Second, I did not realize how much freedom I have gained now that I am single.  Seriously, it has been years since I have been able to eat what and when I want for dinner, watch MY shows on TV, sleep in without someone to make me feel guilty about it, go for a run without a care in the world, and go visit family and friends without discussing it with someone.  Holy effing crap.  These are sweet luxuries that I didn't even know I was missing out on until now.  Would I give this all up for the right guy?  Yes and no.  Yes, I would make sacrifices for the right person but no I would not give up all of my freedom like I did before, I think there is a happy medium even when you are in a relationship.  The real question is:  am I ready for this now and is the guy I want to start making sacrifices for?

I have no idea what the answer is because there are things that are unclear to me on his end.  We get along great when we are together on weekends, but we don't talk much during the week.  Maybe that is normal in early stages of a relationship, hell if I know.  I can't tell if he is willing to make a serious commitment or not either.  He's turning 30 in the next couple months and I'm 23.  This doesn't bother me but I feel like despite me being quite a bit younger I'm looking for more of a serious commitment than he is.  I hate trying to figure this shit out.  I know all you can do is relax and see how things end up but I have never been good at that.  I want to feel secure and know exactly where I stand with someone and the reason for this is I don't want to let my guard down unless I know he willing to give this a serious effort.  I'm terrified of rejection after experiencing the most ultimate form of rejection I can think of.  There is no way to be sure it is going to work out, and eventually I am going to have to take a chance and go for it whether it is with this guy or the next one...but that is just seeming pretty scary at this point. 

Such is life I suppose.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Why are there no Spring Breaks in the adult world?

So...I'm so sick of seeing every one's facebook statuses about how they are going to all these great places for Spring Break where the sun is shining and there are margaritas falling from the sky.  I'm glad you can all enjoy yourselves while those of us in the adult world will continue to go to work everyday as usual.  Not only am I going to work as usual, but I am in Minnesota for work this week where it is a good 10 degrees colder than it is at home.  What. the. fuck.  And there are definitely not margaritas falling from the sky.  Rather, there are rain drops and snow flakes falling from the sky.  I'm glad my first spring break in the adult world is this freaking awesome.  And by the way, where are all of you guys getting the money to go on all these trips while you are still in college?  I must have missed out on this secret...but seriously, shut up about how drunk you are getting this week and quit posting pictures of beaches that belong on post cards.  It's cruel and unusual punishment to those of us actually have to work for a living.

I truly think spring breaks would contribute the mental health of employees therefore resulting in a more positive, productive atmosphere in the workplace.  Really, when you look at it this way it is a great idea.  Some how I do not think I would be able to convince my boss of the benefits. 

In other news I had a date this weekend :).  I have mixed feelings about it.  It was a lot of fun, and if you go back a post or two this is the guy who plays a guitar and sings that I am a complete sucker for.  I mean honestly, he smells so good I can hardly contain myself, not to mention he's quite nice to look at.  However, he has some really bad habits that I am not a fan of but I don't feel like that should be a deciding factor in whether I am interested or not.  I guess only time will tell, he is definitely different than anyone I have dated in the past, more of a bad boy which I hate to say is really appealing at this point in my life.  I almost married an accountant who was the most stereotypical accountant you can think of.  I need a little spice in my life and I think he can definitely deliver in this area.  We'll see if I can behave myself...no promises. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

And the soap opera continues....

I don't know where to even start with this post.  I feel as though I am being tested at this point in my life.  There have been so many things that have happened that make me stop and have to really think to see if that actually did happen to me.  The end realization is always the same:  yes, you did get fucked over in ways that most people only see on the movies.  Awesome.  At this point it doesn't really phase me when new debacles come my way.  I expect drama to the point where if nothing happens for a couple weeks I am bracing myself just waiting for the next episode of my life to unfold.  I'm trying to stay positive with everything in me, but you can only get knocked down so many times before you throw in the towel and say fuck it.  Well, fuck it.  I'm done being hopeful.  I'm done waiting.  I'm ready for something positive to happen in my life to make everything negative worth it.  I seriously feel like I live in a soap opera and I think it's time to cancel the show.  This girl can't handle any more drama. 

And the worst is listening to people bitch about trivial things that I only wish were the least of my worries.  Newsflash:  bitching about good things in your life is fucking annoying.  Stop it.  It makes me want to slap you.  Facebook statuses about how stressed you are about planning a wedding are the worst.  You are getting married, that is supposed to be a happy thing, suck it up and be thankful.  I truly wish there was a "slap" button instead of a "like" button on Facebook.  I think I would use that one more often, a virtual slap would definitely make me feel better since I don't have the balls to slap someone in real life. 

Ok, I'm done for today.