Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Freedom...overrated?

So lately I have been thinking about whether I am ready for my first serious relationship after the epic "not wedding" chapter of my life.  The "bad boy" I have been...dating or seeing or talking to...whatever we are doing, seems to be going well but I have noticed a few things.  First, I have some serious defense mechanisms in full force that I did not even realize were activated.  I have a hard time really being myself around this guy because once I do that, I feel like that makes me vulnerable.  I have really tried to turn this off and just relax but I haven't been able to do it.  Well, sober anyways.  Ha.  I think I can eventually fix this, but he's going to have to be really patient with me so that I can really begin to trust him and I'm not sure if that is something he is going to want to do.  He's a super nice guy but I know that is a lot to ask of someone and I'm sure it will be frustrating at times for him. 

Second, I did not realize how much freedom I have gained now that I am single.  Seriously, it has been years since I have been able to eat what and when I want for dinner, watch MY shows on TV, sleep in without someone to make me feel guilty about it, go for a run without a care in the world, and go visit family and friends without discussing it with someone.  Holy effing crap.  These are sweet luxuries that I didn't even know I was missing out on until now.  Would I give this all up for the right guy?  Yes and no.  Yes, I would make sacrifices for the right person but no I would not give up all of my freedom like I did before, I think there is a happy medium even when you are in a relationship.  The real question is:  am I ready for this now and is the guy I want to start making sacrifices for?

I have no idea what the answer is because there are things that are unclear to me on his end.  We get along great when we are together on weekends, but we don't talk much during the week.  Maybe that is normal in early stages of a relationship, hell if I know.  I can't tell if he is willing to make a serious commitment or not either.  He's turning 30 in the next couple months and I'm 23.  This doesn't bother me but I feel like despite me being quite a bit younger I'm looking for more of a serious commitment than he is.  I hate trying to figure this shit out.  I know all you can do is relax and see how things end up but I have never been good at that.  I want to feel secure and know exactly where I stand with someone and the reason for this is I don't want to let my guard down unless I know he willing to give this a serious effort.  I'm terrified of rejection after experiencing the most ultimate form of rejection I can think of.  There is no way to be sure it is going to work out, and eventually I am going to have to take a chance and go for it whether it is with this guy or the next one...but that is just seeming pretty scary at this point. 


Such is life I suppose.

3 comments:

  1. hmm. i would love to have advice to offer here, but i don't. seems like i should have something to say about it. but the last time i was in a "serious relationship" was over five years ago, and i'm having some of the same issues involving my current weekend rendezvous guy.

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  2. Well I hope your rendezvous was as fun as mine was despite the confusion that tends to follow such events :). It helps to know I'm not the only one going through these kinds of issues. Time will tell for both of us, the waiting part just sucks.

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  3. If you are scared to let your guard down, you aren't ready for a relationship. I know it's hard to be alone. Freaking sucks major ass but in being alone you truly get to know who you truly are. Live some. Be single and have fun with it.

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